Pufferfish@: 04/2006

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Environmental Links

Documentary:

An Inconvenient Truth
HBO Documentary: Too Hot Not to Handle

Websites & Organizations:

Books:

"Field Notes from a Catastrophe" Elizabeth Kolbert

Funny:

Triumph: "Earth to America"

.. still working on this.

9/11 Documentary "Loose Change"

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8260059923762628848&q=loose+change&pl=true
I will write on this later, but right now I'm researching environmental stuff.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Since Last

Well, my anxiety has been cleared for a while. Mishal finally showed up for one day and we were able to talk for two or so hours. It felt really good. I just hope that this wasn't a one-time occurance. I don't want to get worked up like that again.

I'm kind of exhausted, though I'm not doing that badly. I have to get another reference and do this resume and "statement of interest and goals" done before 4pm tomorrow so I can apply for this job on campus.

I'm very tired in alot of aspects. I don't know why. I think I need a break, but I don't really do work to merit a break. I've been busy for like a week, that's all.

I need to go to the pharmacy to get some ointment. I've had this little spot of poison ivy rash since I went into the woods last week. It's just starting to bother me alot.

Monday, April 24, 2006

I haven't been posting. I should. Especially when my anxiety is at its highest. I need a vent, any vent. It's just that when I have problems, I want to ignore them and not write them down. Even my best thoughts stay in my head. Any words chosen in writing limit them so much.
I'm not a very good painter and I'm not a very good writer when it comes to making that image which frames an entire world of thought. It never comes out like I want it to, never like I envisioned.

The anxiety probably stems from two main sources:
1. Not being social enough. I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the entire interacting with people and maintaining relationships thing. I seem to be either lonely or hanging with a group of complete dicks (e.g. almost this entire year of school). I prefer the former rather than the latter most times.
When I do get settled into a group, though.. I always seem to be disappointed because I'm never fully integrated. Like, I know you don't have to BE the group. That's really dumb. But I mean like when you're with a real group of friends they have an impact on you and you impact them. I have a few choice people with whom I share that relationship-- however I don't have the up close interaction of actually being with them even on a semi-daily basis or knowing what the hell they even do (besides what they tell me when I talk to them like twice a month).
I know I'm a really kind of seclusive person, but I still need to have a balance. I'm 18 and I still haven't found the balance. That itsself makes me lonely.

2. Mishal. He is going through alot of stuff now. Like, alot. He's not coming around much and I hardly talk to him. He always misses the times we set to talk and is being a total flake, but after that I feel like I mostly get "why are you so upset? -.-"
Because I'm worried as FUCK about you okay??
and when I get these reactions..
I worry like hell about our relationship.

It's a huge double anxiety pill, and he doesn't understand it. I've been putting aside everything, all of my needs and all the things he's being a flake about that the relationship needs so that he can take care of himself. But I'm wearing so thin now. I'm so upset at him for all of this.

This far, all this sounds like I'm a total bitch in a relationship. You should be going "Give him a break! He has MAJOR problems to take care of and needs to get his life straight! Stop being a selfish bitch and step aside!"
My problem is a war of two sides.
*I want him to have everything he needs to get everything straight. I want more than anything to provide for him and to keep him anxiety free. I do this alot. I've never acted with so much humility and genuine concern in my life. When it works fantastically, it's the most cleansing-like feeling I've ever felt.

Unfortunately, worry and anxiety in a relationship don't just go.
Analogy: It's like how we're socialized that poop is bad. Taking a shit is the most awkward subject EVER. Poop is SO BAD. So bad that you practically have to act like you don't even do it. But, you can't just stop excreting. It's just imposible, it's a natural movement.
Still, crap isn't something you like to deal with because of the reasons why it actually is bad (bacteria, wastes, ect.) but you can't exist without crapping as a natural process. The real solution is to go with the natural urge. Expell it, get it out of your system, learn to clean it up and be hygenic. We have a certain impeding taboo which harms us by giving the wrong message.
In a real relationship you handle things, deal with them comfortably and routinely. You can't think like everything is a mess-- nothing is 'perfect'. Take care of it. Couples need to take care of their anxiety, worries and problems; the relationship is an outlet and anxiety is something that you're supposed to work out.
Contrary to the fairy tales we're raised on, there is no pristine relationship which doesn't need to do this. Serious relationships all know what I'm talking about. 'Love' doesn't keep people together or prevent anxiety and worry, it's the mechanics of the relationship and the people involved that do.

So, after I know all of that... In the current situation I'm half choosing not to talk about the worry and anxiety (I have to ease up, I know how it feels) and I'm forced to have no other choice because there is no situation for an alternative. We just can't seen to do it because of one problem or another. Well, I know we could get this straight and get our mechanics back, but none of my suggestions, or even demands get through because they're always ignored for one reason or another-- some very very valid and others that I don't even hear about. I think that after almost a month ONE DAY would be free for someone to follow what is asked of them.
It's not only me who is having a gag, he is also going to suffer from this and the relationship is going to plummet downhill, I fear.

**How can I not be upset at his flaking out? How can I not try to talk to him about it? Certainly he isn't taking care. What will happen if this keeps going on? I did what was needed for a while. The way he is acting in response to my concern isn't at all right. He has too much built up, and he makes me feel like its my fault if I have any pressing problems with how he is acting. It's not well. If I just sit back and force myself through this, it wont end well. I don't even know if I can take it. I'm in such a mess already.

I just need to lower my expectations... I guess.

I'm really afraid of not making it intact. Anyone who has been in a taxing relationship knows what it is like.

okay, well i'm being distracted now and I have to go.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

the heart, le coeur, et al-Qalb

I need to take a break from wasting my life, so I need to write again. There are so many things I said I would do, and then never finished.

I just finished from a relatively busy period of studying. At the moment I have one assignment due at 2pm tomorrow, but that's all I have to prepare for in the near future.

One thing that I'm still trying to figure out how to do: wasting my time while staying in the room, but still doing something somewhat productive?

The reading materials I have are mostly textbooks and class material.
I have art supplies.. I could practice that, but I usually get frustrated with it.
I could check the news, but.. with everyone too busy to talk to I won't have anyone to vent to when I get worked up. I really don't want to read something that stresses me out right now...
I finished the anime I was watching on my computer. It was excellent.
no TV.
don't want to play too much MMO anymore. Not that it would work on the school network anyway.
already played emulators for a few hours.

Can't study arabic because my book is missing the pages I need for this unit (ergh...). I haven't gotten another book from my friend yet (he's studying with it) to copy the FOURTY-EIGHT pages I need. /sigh
well... I can cheer myself up with this: ثماني و أربعون صفحات
It's supposed to say 'fourty-eight pages' but the grammar is probably horrible. I don't really know what to use. It's a shame, considering I've been studying out of numerous books and none of them can teach worth a damn because it's all so freaking poorly organized.

Why did I name the post after hearts? Well, for The Romantic of course.
Well, really I had a dream. A dream I was in the body of someone else, someone very close to me. but what I can't distinguish is if my feelings were my own or theirs, if the actions were mine. Did I only interact with myself in the dream, or was I really that person, as in not just me playing that person? I felt the emotions, I had the reactions, but the mannerisms and movement were his.. the things that one cannot copy.
Well, I think what I really want to say about this dream right now is that.. I hope it was something more than a manifestation of self-absorption (could have been... I was basically in love with myself). I really feel like it was a dream about one of those ethereal wishes. This one about being inside someone's mind, knowing their thoughts and their heart.
Which is why I'm a little confused about where it came from, hah. Hard to do by yourself, with your imagination. But I guess you don't need it to be right to dream about it, it's only a wish afterall.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Anxiety

Haven't blogged in a long time.. haven't checked any.

I'm having alot of anxiety problems lately. But I'm too busy to take care of it. I've had exams and homework and papers and all sorts of shit. I had some good times in there too, though.. like Mishal and I's anniversary on Thursday.

But several times a week I'm having dreams with anger. I think all my anxiety is being culminated and expressed in enmity for Nafis. I have dreams yelling at him, screaming at him, embarassing him, backhanding him. He is a source of much of my anxiety, but certainly not all of it.

Now the frequent occurance of these dreams is giving me a source of anxiety.

When Mishal disappears for several days and I have a note about family problems, that gives me a huge source of inquiet.

I've been reverting back to the practice of daily putting in the headphones and pacing for nearly an hour to music so loud I can't hear myself think. Or making my ears ring before I go to bed. I should draw, or start blogging. If only I could sit down.

Pufferfish@