Pufferfish@

Today has been quite stressful, and will continue to be. I only have one short minute to type this, so I shall hurry. I'm afraid I'm going to flunk many a test today. My pre-calc teacher is getting quite annoyed with me and this recent trend of not doing well. It wouldn't be so bad if the teachers didnt cram everything into the end of the year and then get so tired themselves that they can't teach their subject to us..

posted by Natticus @ 9:56 AM 0 comments

Man, I have a headache... this sucks..

posted by Natticus @ 3:50 AM 0 comments

I had a post from last night saved as a draft, but it's so stupid and depressing I don't think I want to post it. I don't want to fill this thing up with whining and complaining "I can't help mysef" just as I get back into it. That stuff's stupid to think, anyway.

So, last night was a good night. I spent time with Angie. Angie and I have been off-and-on friends since I was in 7th grade. We went to France together in November. It was around then that I started getting really mad at her and decided that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. She didn't want to talk to me the entire 2 weeks and seemed to complain the whole time. Though, I do admit we have different enthusiasms (I loved being around all the Roman ruins and castles and aqueducts, while I know she doesn't share that sentiment) and from what I hear, she had a pretty bad host family. Sometimes I think, why did she even want to go to France? She seemed to act very American. But anyway, those are just differences I shouldn't judge a person so much on, right? Right.
Anyway, some other stuff happened that I don't want to divulge into. But I was pretty mad.

However, she started to talk to me a bit more in French class. We always said "We need to start hanging out again!" and stuff. Last night, I was feeling pretty troubled. I didn't want to stay home and steep for another day, I needed to get out and play with a loud group of friends. I called Angie, we talked for hours waiting for her mom to come home. To initiate our new friendship, we played the no-secrets game. I spilt everything about my unhealthy habits. I cried and everything, like really cried. Of course, that should be nothing new. (I am suddenly reminded of when Mrs Kinsey was talking to be about her mom accepting her job as a teacher and cried.) In return, she talked about her visit with Jack, her boyfriend, in explicit detail. I spilled a little more dirt involving my best friend Chris, of which he has no idea about. The dirt, I mean. Not that I told. I'm sure he'll find that out. Angie and I ate chinese food. Mmmyum.

So, Chris called me last night and said, "We're swimming tomorrow." This was news to me, but he said that we had talked about it. Sooo.. okay! I love how my memory likes to pull fast ones on me like that. It makes things seem interesting and spontaneous, even if they're really not. With a bad memory, everything is a new experience.
Katie is coming along, too. She's a Freshman, go Kate.

After that Chris and Angie and I are going to go shopping. Yay Rah. My brother wants online, so I must go.

Note: Talk about Angie and the fuzz

posted by Natticus @ 8:00 AM 0 comments

"This party is old and uninviting... Participants all in black and white..." -Incubus "here in my room"

Sometimes I wish my life seemed a little less dramatic. It's not that I have any particuarly tramatic problems... (I think) but it's that they always seem so overplayed and dramatic. Is this my fault, since I'm the one perceiving it? Yes, that must be it. Maybe I shouldn't look at everything in such a fearful and dramatic light. How do I fix that?

"I wanna stay inside... Don't wanna stay inside for good"

Last night I talked to one of my kingdommates in Utopia, Mike. I recited my history with Matthew to him. I needed someone to talk to. Mike, being very devoted to his faith, gave me a few uppers from the point of view of Christianity. Though I do not believe in the faith myself, the comfort helped me.
I called Matthew. I was only supposed to test the water. I have a plan, It's the last thing I can do regarding Matthew. See, he needs to talk to his parents about being a transsexual, but he's timid about doing it. He says he's tired of lying to everyone, about being a different person. He lies to his parents the most, so they are the most important to come clean to. However, Matthew also complains about how he never makes anything HAPPEN and he is stuck in the same cycle. Thusfar, he has not broken out of this cycle (bestly domonstrated by how he has not called me today). So, if circumstances should degrade enough, I shall write his parents a letter. Then perhaps I will promptly run away and try my best to forget this atrocity ever happened.

"I'm kicking myself that I shared spit with you.. WOAH.. so fuck yourself and fuck this bleeding heart of mine."

My sentiments EXACTLY.

braggodocio: n. a boaster; a braggart; empty boasting

So, my "conversation" with Matthew last night did not last long, and I'm afraid I betrayed Mike by spilling my plans anyway. I was furious at the time. I could not contain myself, and I don't know why. Our conversation did not last long because he blew me off to do a birthday party thing. I felt very unimportant, even though he SAYS he likes to hear from me. But I really know that's all a bunch of BS.. He doesn't give a fuck, doesn't care at all...
And it's only when it comes to Matthew that I do the dumbest things... I guess I'm either not honest to myself, or I don't know how to ask for affection and attention. Why?

He said he would call me back today, but he hasn't. what does that mean? You can't blame timidness. He doesn't care.

posted by Natticus @ 7:33 PM 0 comments

It's been awhile.

Matthew and I broke up, So I wasn't sure about what to do with the blog for a long time. It was hosted on a shared subdomain. Since then, the server has moved and I don't really know what's going on. But, to kill two birds with one stone I moved this to Blogspot. natticus.blogspot.com to be exact. Thanks Blogger, you really are the bomb.

I just read Matthew's blog at www.getmeoutofthis.net and I'm feeling.. Naseous, flippant, lightheaded... I can feel my hands-- they're clammy... My stomach has butterflies and I can just feel my chest breaking out from an increase in pulse. I'm so.. nervous, scared, hurt, betrayed... Why did he have to Do this? Why this this have to happen? WHY DOES MY EX, WHO I'M AFRAID I STILL CARE FOR HAVE TO BE A TRANSSEXUAL?!

----I have a test next period. I need to do well. I can't break down here I can't break down here.

This curiosity is a curse. Why do I keep doing this to myself?!

posted by Natticus @ 9:49 AM 0 comments