Sometimes I wish my life seemed a little less dramatic. It's not that I have any particuarly tramatic problems... (I think) but it's that they always seem so overplayed and dramatic. Is this my fault, since I'm the one perceiving it? Yes, that must be it. Maybe I shouldn't look at everything in such a fearful and dramatic light. How do I fix that?
"I wanna stay inside... Don't wanna stay inside for good"
Last night I talked to one of my kingdommates in Utopia, Mike. I recited my history with Matthew to him. I needed someone to talk to. Mike, being very devoted to his faith, gave me a few uppers from the point of view of Christianity. Though I do not believe in the faith myself, the comfort helped me.
I called Matthew. I was only supposed to test the water. I have a plan, It's the last thing I can do regarding Matthew. See, he needs to talk to his parents about being a transsexual, but he's timid about doing it. He says he's tired of lying to everyone, about being a different person. He lies to his parents the most, so they are the most important to come clean to. However, Matthew also complains about how he never makes anything HAPPEN and he is stuck in the same cycle. Thusfar, he has not broken out of this cycle (bestly domonstrated by how he has not called me today). So, if circumstances should degrade enough, I shall write his parents a letter. Then perhaps I will promptly run away and try my best to forget this atrocity ever happened.
"I'm kicking myself that I shared spit with you.. WOAH.. so fuck yourself and fuck this bleeding heart of mine."
My sentiments EXACTLY.
braggodocio: n. a boaster; a braggart; empty boasting
So, my "conversation" with Matthew last night did not last long, and I'm afraid I betrayed Mike by spilling my plans anyway. I was furious at the time. I could not contain myself, and I don't know why. Our conversation did not last long because he blew me off to do a birthday party thing. I felt very unimportant, even though he SAYS he likes to hear from me. But I really know that's all a bunch of BS.. He doesn't give a fuck, doesn't care at all...
And it's only when it comes to Matthew that I do the dumbest things... I guess I'm either not honest to myself, or I don't know how to ask for affection and attention. Why?
He said he would call me back today, but he hasn't. what does that mean? You can't blame timidness. He doesn't care.
posted by Natticus @ 7:33 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home